


new

by levisteabag



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1980's Setting, A little angst and trauma I guess, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, College Student Eren Yeager, College Student Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Eventual Smut, Fluff, Grisha Yeager's Shit Parenting, Homophobic Slurs, Literature Student Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mutual Pining, Pianist Eren Yeager, Roommates, city pop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:29:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28334661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levisteabag/pseuds/levisteabag
Summary: 1985. Eren is impulsive. Always has been. One night, he runs away from his homophobic father and has nowhere to go. So Levi welcomes him in his little apartment.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 25
Kudos: 72





	1. and the sky was made of amethyst...

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted a sweet gay fic where these two can FINALLY experience happiness. So, here we go !
> 
> Please do not hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments ! English isn't my first language so I apologize for any grammar mistakes.
> 
> As you could maybe tell from the title, the fic is inspired by the song "new" by Yves: https://youtu.be/LIDe-yTxda0.
> 
> This work is dedicated to my friend Sarah.

The sound of the hit resonated, slashing the silence like lightning piercing the sky. For a few seconds, standing there in disbelief, Eren couldn’t hear anything. Couldn’t feel anything. 

Then came the pain, creeping under the skin of his cheek, an itching kind of pain, slowly but surely expanding across the left side of his face. And then the realization. The humiliation. The shame. 

When he looked up, his eyes met his father’s, and for a second it was like looking at an older, sadder version of himself. Breathing heavily, mouth slightly parted, Grisha just stood there, hand still hanging in the air, inches away from the face it just smacked. 

That was the moment Eren knew it was over.

Something broke. Or maybe had their relationship been splintered for a long, long time. But Eren, maybe naively, never expected his father to actually hit him. 

He had known he was in trouble when he had come home from college to see his belongings scattered on the floor of his little room, which had clearly been searched. Grisha knew. He had made it perfectly clear when he cornered Eren, spitting the six-letter word to his face, the slur tasting like sweet poison on his tongue. It held all the disappointment and the bitterness that Grisha could possibly muster and it hurt Eren. It made him sick.

He knew he was not normal. He knew he could have never satisfied his father. And he had tried. Eren could feel Grisha’s disapproving gaze on him at all times, making him self-conscious, making him adapt his behaviour whenever his father was in the same room. Making him work harder, play more masterfully, trying to impress him. So when Grisha first insulted him that night, his primary reaction was to shrink, to shamefully look at his feet and murmur that he was sorry, because that’s what good sons do, don’t they ? 

But Eren had never really gotten along with authority.

So he had snapped back, and he had told his father that yes, he was indeed a “fucking faggot”, but it was still better than to be an alcoholic monster with psychopathic and narcissistic tendancies and that he could go fuck himself. Basically. 

And this eloquent set of insults must have struck a chord with Grisha because for the first time, he hit his son.

Now they were looking right at each other, still unsure that all of this even happened, the sheer violence and hate that had been shared tonight. It all felt surreal. The TV still playing in the background, its artificial laughs regularly interrupting the silence, the air smelling like alcohol, sweat and unspoken resolutions. Then Eren willfully broke the spell that they were under and calmly walked towards his room. 

Don’t think. Act. Get the fuck away from this cursed house, from this sorry excuse of a father. He grabbed the little cash he kept in his desk’s drawer, a handful of clothes, and the only picture of his mother that he had managed to keep after she died, when his father just completely lost it. His eyes wandered on her gentle face for a moment. She would have been so disappointed.

Don’t think. Act. Get the fuck away from here. 

He passed his father, still standing in the living room, eyes glued to the red carpet. Grisha looked absolutely miserable. Guilty. It made Eren’s heart clench. He was 21 now, an adult, but suddenly all he wanted was to take Grisha in his arms, and comfort him, tell him everything was okay, tell him he didn’t even have to say sorry, and just forget anything ever happened. But this was over. Eren had had enough.

Don’t think.

Eren turned around and left, and when the heavy front door closed behind him, and he was out in the cold December, he ran. And he didn’t look back.

He felt like crying. Little cracks in his heart. He was used to them. The hot tears roaming down his cheeks brought him warmth. There was comfort and familiarity in the pain. And there was hope in the uncertainty that awaited him. He was hurting, but Eren was never one for dwelling on the past. He didn’t think about where he was going to sleep tonight, how he would manage. He would find a way. Right now all he needed to do was to get away from his father. He couldn’t let Grisha find him, he couldn’t see the disappointed look on his father’s face again. He couldn’t stand to be looked at like he was a monster again. And so he ran.

To the train station. Taking the train to the city center where they went to college couldn’t be such a bad idea, right ? Maybe he could crash at Armin’s dorm for a while, get a job, figure something out. 

It was well past midnight when he got to the lonely train station. A homeless man was sleeping on one of the uncomfortable, cold-looking benches. Everything was silent, apart from the sound of the bright neon lights flickering from time to time. It smelled like rain on asphalt, compact humidity hanging in the air. Eren tried to make the least possible noise while approaching the board announcing the last train of the day. It left for the city in ten minutes. Lucky him. 

Eren spent the whole trip looking at the scenery through the dirty glass window. Snow was falling quietly from the violet night as the train moved towards Eren’s new life. So this is it. Injustice and anger burned in his chest, a quiet and consuming fire, and his jaw tightened. He could still feel his father’s lengthy fingers on his cheek. Big hands ran in the family. That was where he got his talent from. The one thing he wouldn’t be able to escape : his father’s fucking genes. Suddenly he realized that he didn’t even remember his mother’s hands. How they felt playing in his hair, tilting his chin up towards the sun, towards her smile. Eren looked at his hands and chuckled sourly. How he longed for a piano, how he would have simply liked to lash out on the heavy instrument, putting his emotions into music, feeling the reassuring keys against the tip of his fingers.

He felt alone, and a wave of sadness hit him, burning his throat. But at least he was free. At last, he was free.

\--------------------------------------------------

Levi nearly fell asleep on the supermarket counter that night. He had agreed to cover Hanji’s shift when he had felt that his friend was on the verge of a mental breakdown. They couldn’t reasonably keep on working these ridiculous hours without taking a small break, just for one night. So Levi had kicked Hanji’s protesting ass out of the store and sent them home to have a good night’s sleep for once. Plus, he could use the money.

However Levi had to admit that he was quite exhausted himself. He adored his studies, but the reputation he’d earned over the years as an excellent student and a literary genius (however exaggerated it might have been, people’s standards were pretty low if you asked him) came with strings attached. Working hard and making our way from the bottom to the top, as Farlan used to say to him with a confident smile. 

When he realized that it was past 1 AM and that he was drooling on the metal counter, he decided to gather whatever little dignity he had left and go home to rest. 

With a bitter smile, Levi closed the store. Keeping busy every night. No time to think about the past. He was fine. He was comfortable. 

Snow was falling, sparkles of white disappearing into droplets of nothing on the pavement, in his black hair. He inhaled the cold air and relaxed. Walking home always brought him peace. Purple sky, shy stars, city lights. Reflection of the Christmas illuminations on the soaked pavement. Red, yellow and blue. This city… the streets were mostly empty, but it felt alive. A neverending shiver, buzzing sounds of people leading lives he knew nothing about. A continuity, an oddly comforting sense that life would keep going even if he suddenly disappeared.

He wandered to one of his favorite spots, the bridge over the river, where the street lamps lit up the dark waters and you could watch boats idly pass by.

The distracted Levi didn’t notice it at first, but as he walked closer, he spotted the human shape seated on the barrier of the bridge. He Immediately picked up his pace, his senses heightened by the alarmed feeling in his guts. This bridge had a reputation. Desperate souls looking for meaning or company in the water, surrendering themselves to its darkness. No, no, no Levi thought as he approached what appeared to be a young man. This was not happening.

He wasn’t aware of this boy’s survival instinct and his pugnacious will to fight. Yet.

“Are you alright ?” he called.

The startled man nearly jumped and Levi gripped his arms to prevent a possible fall in the river. Bright green eyes surrounded by tears turned to face him. For one second he forgot to breath under the intensity of the boy’s stare.

The man chuckled nervously. “Close one.”

“I’m sorry” Levi mumbled, embarrassed. “I thought you were going to jump.” 

“I wasn’t”, he answered, and he smiled, tears still fresh on his cheeks. His smile was very pretty, Levi noticed. Warm.

He realized he still hadn’t let go of the man’s arm and took a step back.

“Good.” He didn’t know what to do. The man said he didn’t want to jump, but he looked pretty fucking messed up. His brown hair was disheveled, his left cheekbone looked purple and swollen, and he looked like he had spent the whole night crying. Levi didn’t want to pry, but he couldn’t possibly leave the guy alone.

The man was looking at him expectantly with his huge expressive eyes. Fuck, Levi just thought.

“I’m sorry if I scared you. I had a rough evening”, the taller guy sniffed. 

“Do… you want to talk about it ?”, Levi answered, and why did he even care at all ? He could just walk away, go home and get some fucking sleep like he had planned to do. He would have been home by now if only he had politely left after having made sure that the guy was ok. And there he was, freezing his ass off, inquiring about a stranger’s private business on a bridge in the middle of the night. 

But something about the young man’s big tearful eyes and warm, confident smile just made him stay. For some reason he felt like he needed to be here. He didn’t want to leave him. It felt like a promise.

Levi’s attentive gestures were enough to make the stranger open up as fast as a flower in spring. It was actually a wonder how someone could talk so freely to a stranger. He shrugged, turning his stare to the flowing river underneath their feet, and Levi could feel himself breathe again. A barge passed, and the previously calm water, mirroring the city lights, stirred. 

“Ran away from home tonight. I’m not going back. My father hit me. He looked at me like…” the boy shivered. “I’m not going back”, he repeated tilting his head up, eyes firing daggers at the void. He seemed angry at an invisible entity, ready to face invisible enemies hidden in the horizon, where the purple coat of stars met the deep sparkling water. Then he turned his head to Levi, still looking terribly sad, and smiled gently. What. The. Fuck.

“Are you ok ?” The guy frowned, little creases emerging on his golden, soft-looking skin.

“Do you even have anywhere to stay ?”, Levi asked instead, willing his brain to stop short-circuiting for no damn reason. The night was beginning to feel a little intense.

The boy looked to the side for a second, hesitating “Yes. I can stay at my friend Armin’s. Just a few blocks from here”, he pointed. “I just needed some time to breathe. Before.”

“I’ll walk you to your friend’s house. I don’t live that far away. Being alone having an existential crisis on a bridge at 2AM isn’t the safest way to spend the night. Right now you need a hot shower and some sleep. Come with me.” 

They walked in silence. Somehow, it felt comfortable, walking together under the falling snow. Then the man stopped in front of a random building. 

“It’s here.”

Levi nodded. So that was it. He would probably never see the young man again. He felt a kind of emptiness at the prospect. He was probably tired. 

He looked up to be dazzled by the bright smile again. 

“Thank you.” Those lips pronounced the words carefully, meaningfully, and Levi’s chest felt uneasily heavy.

The man took Levi’s hands and held them carefully in his own, hot, huge hands, softly warming Levi’s fingers. And then he turned away, leaving Levi standing on the cold pavement, mouth agape. What had just happened ?

“The name’s Levi, by the way”, he blurted out. He just had to hold on a little more. 

The stranger turned around with a sweet smile. 

“Levi.” The name resonated in the empty street.

“I’m Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and constructive feedback are greatly appreciated. Take care <3


	2. calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow, a café, and many gay thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the amazing feedback, you are all absolutely adorable. 
> 
> Here is chapter 2 ! Hope you'll enjoy.

Eren had lied. He couldn’t go to Armin’s. His friend lived in a tiny dorm room which Eren had just remembered he shared with Jean. And if there was _one_ thing Eren couldn't deal with that particular night, on top of everything, it was Jean’s annoying face and annoying voice and stupid jokes. Plus, there were strict dorm regulations and visitors weren’t exactly allowed. 

So Eren had slept -or tried to sleep- on the rough floor of a building entrance, using his bag as a pillow. He had been so cold he’d thought his fingers would actually fall off a few times. A fingerless pianist. Ironic. Eren wasn’t the kind to usually be cold, but the glacial December wind was getting the better of him. 

Congrats, homophobic winter. You win. 

Still, the memories of the evening had warmed him up inside. A little. First, the blinding rage he felt when he thought of his father made his blood boil and his fists clench. He wondered what his father was doing at the moment. Probably wallowing in indulgent, hideous self-hatred. As usual. That was an aspect of his father Eren despised. The cowardice. The complaining while never improving. The rejection of responsibility when faced with the consequences of his actions. The denial.

Even with the cold floor hurting his back and the muddy snow soaking his pants, Eren was glad he’d finally found the courage to get away from this god-forsaken house. When his mother had disappeared, all joy had faded away with her. The walls and ceilings seemed narrower. Wallpaper lost its color. As did his father. Living in that house, sensing Grisha’s oppressive presence, a kind of heaviness sitting in the air, had slowly become unbearable. Eren could recognize his father's footsteps from various rooms around the house, he was able to pick up his moods from bad to worse, to discern which kind of alcohol he had set his heart on at night.

Grisha only drank in the evening, with no one but his appalled child to witness. 

Hurtful memories tied a knot in his stomach. He forced himself to inhale the fresh air. Closed his eyes and hummed the first seconds of the 2nd movement from Rachmaninov’s piano concerto n°2. Moving his frozen fingers as much as he could to play those beautiful, calming notes in the air. 

Steadier breathing. Better already.

He was safe. He was far away. It was for the best. 

Eren’s mind wandered back to the stranger’s face, and what he felt then was a completely different kind of heat. 

Really Eren ? he scolded himself. This is your top priority ? You’ve been rejected by the only family you have left, now you’re going to die miserably frozen in front of a creepy and haunted-looking building’s hall and you’re thinking about some man you met three hours ago ? 

Well, you had to admit the guy was shockingly gorgeous. When he had interrupted Eren’s dark train of thoughts earlier, Eren had nearly jumped off the bridge from shock. For a second, it was like he had seen God. Or something. 

But most of all, it was the guy’s - Levi, Eren reminded himself - small gestures of kindness that awoke something in him. A complete stranger had actually taken time to make sure he was okay, in the middle of the night, and to walk him to “Armin’s” to make sure he was safe. Such quiet, one-sided kindness was uncommon in Eren’s daily life. Tears pricked his eyes.

Maybe he was being a little sentimental, but Levi’s simple actions had felt good after the night he’d had. The quiet man carried an aura of comfort and peace that immediately calmed his own erratic nerves. And he seemed sad. It made Eren want to know more. It made Eren want to care. 

That’s why Eren had lied.

He’d noticed the dark circles surrounding Levi’s penetrative grey eyes. Even though he’d tried to hide it, the man was clearly exhausted and probably begging to go home.

And Eren’s intuition told him he would probably have refused to let him sleep in the street. There was no way Eren would have imposed himself in Levi’s home and exploited his hospitality. 

He remembered the way Levi’s eyes had gleamed when he had taken his hands. Eren blushed. Bold move, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Maybe he’d gone too far ? He’d just wanted to express his gratitude. Thinking before acting wasn’t his thing.

They would probably never see each other again anyway. His heart twinged a little with regret. 

Well, if I die on these cold tiles, he thought dramatically, at least there’s still some good in this world. 

He fell asleep to the sensation of Levi’s cool hands in his.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eren didn’t die.

“You look like shit.”

Now he kinda wished he had. 

“Fuck you, Jean. You’re insufferable.”

“And you, my sweet lord, are insufferabler”, Jean replied with a smug smile, clearly pleased with himself. He turned to Armin for validation. The blonde boy just rolled his eyes. 

Eren sighed. He didn’t have enough energy for this.

“Come on, Jean, have some mercy. Eren’s clearly had a rough night”, Armin chided. He turned to Eren with an encouraging smile. “Tell us what happened, from the start.”

They were walking towards the campus’ café. The quiet morning sun warmed their skins and melted the timid snow upholstering the ground. The air smelled like hope and new beginnings. Birds chirped, dancing between the branches of majestic leafless trees. But Eren was too tired and sore to notice. 

“So I’m basically homeless. With Mikasa studying abroad and everyone living in the dorms I have nowhere to stay.” He concluded. “And I can’t sleep outside again, or else I’ll freeze to death, or get attacked by a racoon. Again.” 

In spite of the clear worry his furrowed brow conveyed, Armin chuckled. “Yeah. We can’t let that become your signature move. What about that guy you met, hm? He seems nice.”

“No, I don’t want to be a burden. And I probably wouldn’t be able to find him anyway. This city is a fucking maze. I’ll never see him again”, he sighed.

The three of them entered the café, getting hit by a wave of warmth and the smell of wood and freshly brewed coffee. 

Ymir had opened the establishment about a year ago, and it had been quite successful. It was a peaceful place where one could study to the sound of jazz music, rest in-between classes, get a warm cozy drink. And pet one of her five cats. She called it her “cat café”. Well, to be more precise, her “lesbian cat café”, but that was still unofficial.

Eren closed his eyes, inhaled the comforting scent, took in the soft chatting of the customers. The grumbling of a deep voice. Uh ?

“Oi, Hanji, quit it.”

Eren stopped dead in his tracks. 

There in the corner of one of the booths, was Levi, trying to dive in a huge book while a glass-wearing woman ? man ? person seemed to distract him by chattering passionately and occasionally punching the table. 

Uh. Eren blushed furiously, remembering the previous night, thoughts jostling. The intimate lights of the café sculpted Levi’s sharp features. He was frowning in an attempt to concentrate on his reading. 

Grey eyes. Pale skin. Strong grip. Hand touch. How scandalous ! 

“Eren ? You ok, buddy ?” an amused Ymir interrupted with a raised brow, waving her rough hand in front of his face. He realized he had been standing there staring. Eren you stupid piece of shit, just do something, just- 

“Eren ?”

Levi had noticed him when he’d heard the name, eyes widened the tiniest bit, and Eren could have sworn there was some color on his cheeks. Or maybe not… He was sleep-deprived.

He cursed Ymir’s fucking powerful vocal chords. He wasn’t prepared to see Levi again, and he probably looked like utter shit. He didn’t even know Levi went to college ! Or was he a professor ? It was impossible to tell his age : while his face and short stature did make him appear quite young, the weight in his eyes said something else entirely. 

One of Ymir’s tinier cats, a black ball of fluff named Lulu, came to rub itself against Eren’s legs. It was so adorable and absolutely not the right time, he could have yelled. 

Do. Not. Steal. My. Spotlight. Lulu.

“What are you doing here ?”, he managed to ask instead, dumbfounded. Don’t be weird. Just don’t act weird. Just don’t. 

“Well I study here, I’m a researcher. Literature.”

“Oooh... should have guessed that.” Eren felt really stupid.

“This is Hanji”, Levi pointed at the person who was curiously observing them. “Hm, what about you ? I didn’t think I’d see you again, this fast.” he added. Now his face was basically unreadable. What the hell did that mean ? Was Eren’s sudden appearance annoying him ?

“Uh, I study here too. Musicology.”

Levi didn’t answer, just kept on looking at him. Now Eren was blushing red hot, he could feel it, and he damned his body warmth and complete inability to hide any of his emotions. 

Calm down. 

He realized the customers’ chatting had quieted down and gave them an irritated look. Just keep on talking you imbeciles ! 

Armin came to his rescue, the hint of a knowing smile on his lips. “Hm, do you guys know each other ?” 

“Well, kind of, I mean we met last night-”

“How are you, by the way ?” Levi frowned. “Did you manage to get some rest ?”

“You bet !”, Jean interrupted loudly, making himself comfortable at Levi’s table. “The raggedy hobo you’re looking at slept in the streets with the rats and the pigeons, can you believe it ? Right out of _Les Misérables”_ , and he flashed his shit-eating grin at Eren. 

“You didn’t sleep at your friend’s apartment ?”, Levi’s frown deepened. 

“Jean you stupid shit !!!” Eren cried, slapping the back of the smug asshole’s stupid horsehead. 

“Why are you hitting me ?!” 

Eren paid him no mind and turned to Levi instead. Now he had to explain himself. Jean, you dumb bitch. 

“Sorry, I lied to you… I can’t stay at Armin’s because he lives in the dorms, so I don’t really have anywhere to stay.”

The shorter man’s frown deepened even further, and Eren mused if he kept going he would probably be able to plant little flowers in the creases of his brow. Cute. What the hell was that thought even ? Eren, you utter moron-

Levi’s friend suddenly exclaimed, with a sympathetic smile : “But the meteorologists announced a snowstorm tonight ! Sweetheart, you can’t possibly sleep outside. Levi, don’t you have a couch ? Maybe Eren could stay with you until he figures something out.”

“Well-”

“No !” Eren cut him off. “Sorry. I don’t want to intrude.”

“Don’t-”

“Oh you won’t intrude honey, Levi could use some human contact after all, he’s a little grumpy. Don’t look at me like that Levi, I’m not afraid of you. Ok, I’m a little afraid now, please stop that. Stop that !”

Levi turned back to Eren, unnerved. “Listen-”

“Hanji’s right, Eren, you almost died last night. Think of the raccoons”, Armin argued, exchanging a knowing look with Hanji. They weren’t even acquainted with each other. What was this madness ?!

“Let Levi speak”, Eren pleaded. He glanced at the older man, embarrassed but hopeful. After all, the situation wouldn’t be so bad, would it ? It was only temporary, and it was an opportunity. One thing he’d learnt over the years : you have to seize opportunities. He would repay Levi any way he could. He would figure something out. Plus, he didn’t want to spend the night in the storm. He was too young to die.

Levi sighed, and peered up at him. 

Grey meeting green. Ice and fire. The feeling of a tender hand warming frozen fingers. 

“Okay.”

Eren grinned. “Thank you Levi thank you so much thank you-”

“Just meet me in front of the café at 6 PM. Don’t be late.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m just saying you could use some company ! You barely spend time with Erwin and I outside of class and the supermarket anymore. Endless labour is no way to live life ! All you do is work, all day, every day.”

“Tsk. You’re one to talk.”

“Well, am I wrong ? He could help with the chores and, you know, possibly delay your agonizing descent into madness. Also, he’s kind of cute. It’s a win-win situation, really.”

“Shut the fuck up, Hanji, and I know you’re right, that’s why I accepted.”

“So you do think he’s cute ! I knew something was going on at the café, you know, you have this tendency to actually seem to give a fuck whenever you like someone, it’s very subtle, took me years to notice-”

“Shut your shit-hole before I have to eviscerate you. I don’t _like_ him, I’ve known him for approximately 17 hours.”

“And you still welcomed him into your precious apartment.”

“Well, you all barely left me a choice. He could be a serial killer.”

“Even if he was a serial killer, I’d be more worried about him. You’re terrifying.”

“Thank you. Aren’t you going to be late for your evening shift ?”

“It’s barely 6PM, I-”

“Bye Hanji.”

“Ok, bye Levi ! Don’t get murdered !”

The man snorted, exhaling sweet white smoke. The sky was menacingly dark, and the glacial December atmosphere chilled him to his core. He hoped Eren wouldn’t be late. The storm was well on its way to the city, with afternoon snow covering most of the pavement. 

But he wasn’t worried. Levi relished in the calm he felt at this moment. The perspective of a tempest felt oddly comforting. He wished it would wipe out the ugliness, the sorrow. And leave only beauty and hope. The possibility to start anew. 

He thought of Eren. So they’d found each other again. Hm. 

He hadn’t taken him in out of pity or annoyance. In fact, he’d known from the start that he would welcome the young man. Eren seemed absolutely exhausted. Levi was familiar with that expression. With life in the street. Being left alone, miserable, in the cold and the dirt. He didn’t want that for anyone. He didn’t want that for Eren. To see his bright smile fade away, to see what was left of the innocence in his eyes disappear. He couldn’t remember the day Farlan and Isabelle had lost their light. It had just happened. One day, they still believed they could get out of the street, and the next, hope had flown away like one of the birds they would watch at night instead of sleeping, when the cobblestone felt too hard, and the bad men too near.

Well, not again. Not one more.

“Levi !” Eren ran to him, struggling in the snow, still the same huge smile plastered on his tan, soft face. He seemed ridiculously excited. It made Levi want to smile himself. Almost.

“Sorry if I kept you waiting. I had practice and professor Shadis insisted that we stay later than usual.” He scowled for a second. “I don’t like him.”

They left the campus and began their perilous journey across the snow-filled alleys, dimly lit by the flickering street lights. Everything felt queerly silent. 

“Practice, uh ?” Levi inquired with a raised brow. 

“Piano”, Eren just replied, absolutely beaming. He stretched the syllables as if the word was something infinitely precious that deserved all the attention in the world. _Pi-a-no_. Oh, no.

“Was it good ?”

“Oh yes !! It always is. The university recital is coming in a few weeks now. We have to work hard, but it doesn’t feel like working, really.”, he explained enthusiastically, with big hand gestures. Sighed, “I love the orchestra.”

Levi listened to Eren detail the running of the orchestra quietly. He did talk a lot. Loudly. Levi didn’t mind, though.

“Thanks for taking me in, by the way.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“No, but I’m really, really grateful. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“It’s ok. Just don’t murder me, please.”

Eren chuckled. “I’ll do my best.” Got gifted with an elbow in the hip. “Ow !”

Silence. For about five seconds.

“I wanted to apologize for the scene at the café too. Jean is an asshole.”

“Jean’s funny. I like him.”

“What ???” Eren seemed sincerely scandalized. Then shrugged. “Well, I guess nobody’s perfect.” Realized what he had just said, eyes broadening.

Levi just snorted.

Silence.

“Also… Hanji ?”

“Hanji’s above gender, don’t question it.” Levi retorted.

“Ok.” Eren grinned. Levi noticed that he had a tendency to squint when he smiled. His whole face was smiling. Bright. Glowing. Golden. He could probably light up the whole street. The whole city. 

Levi’s chest tightened for a split second.

And he just thought. 

_Oh, no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren is such a drama queen... 
> 
> This chapter is like the calm before the big gay storm.
> 
> I'm kind of struggling with exams right now but I'll try to update soon !  
> I'm also working on a Mikasa / Annie one shot, so if any of you are interested, that's coming !
> 
> Comments are treasured. Be safe !


	3. the sad man and the sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write a simple cute update and ended up giving birth to this 5k words monster... Hope you guys enjoy it !

There were nights where Levi couldn’t sleep.

No matter how hard he tried to relax his breathing and clear his head, no matter how hard he shut his eyes and prayed to all the gods, he just couldn’t. 

He couldn’t let go, couldn’t let himself fall into deep slumber. A man hanging off a cliff, wishing for nothing but to be able to jump in the green, menacing sea underneath, wanting nothing more than to get wrapped in its delicious waters, yet unable to give up his feeling of pure control, held off by something he couldn’t quite name. 

The reminiscence of old sufferings, perhaps.

In the light of day, as Levi kept busy, surrounding himself with work and ceaseless clamour, shielding himself from unneeded, invasive thoughts, he would do okay. He really was doing just fine. He was absolutely comfortable. Life passed by easily. 

But as the sun went down, and it all grew quiet, the sounds of people, when he actually had to sleep in order to function properly, when he had to let go, that’s when it all came back. 

Innocent smiles. Holding hands tight. Tears running down soft cheeks. The love. The anguish. The despair. The resignation. The constant fear, everpresent, one that became a part of you. The weariness. The cold. A different kind of cold. The one that chills your entire being, breaks into your soul, freezes your thoughts, the one that makes it impossible to feel anything else. 

The bad days, and the really, really bad days. The loss. 

All those he chose to ignore. 

Thus, he couldn’t sleep. When he finally managed to drift off from pure exhaustion, his blessed reprieve would only last for a few hours, and he would wake up in a cold sweat, with the taste of stale bread and dirty water on his tongue, with the odour of the gutters as strong as if he’d never left them, with the feeling of something missing deep inside his chest.

That night was no exception. He inhaled deeply, trying to untie the knots forming in his stomach. 

Got up instead and went to check on Eren.

In spite of the loud snowstorm and Levi’s uncomfortable, less-than-ergonomic couch, Eren slept as if Morpheus owed him money. 

He was still spread out on the entirety of the sofa, comatose. His expression was peaceful, save from occasional frowns and muttering. Ignoring the thumping roar of the snowstorm, Eren slept like he meant it. Levi admired it, and maybe he was a little jealous too. He wondered if he could borrow some of that sleep ethic.

You had to admit the younger man must have been absolutely exhausted. Levi watched as the moonlight reflected on his calm face. He seemed more mature, and yet much younger. Carefree. Pure. The expression one could find in a child with yet everything to discover, all the joy, and suffering. Levi didn’t know what it was, really… But seeing peacefulness and content on Eren’s face brought him comfort. 

Maybe it was that the man felt like an older Isabel. His spontaneity, his natural joyfulness reminded Levi of his young friend. Someone to try to protect. To keep safe, away from harm, at all cost.

Eren had been more than excited when he’d seen his apartment. 

_“This is awesome, Levi ! You really have all that space to yourself ?!”_

Well he did, up until now. 

He sighed. It had been long since he’d had someone over, sleeping right in the next room. It felt weird. His apartment wasn’t nearly as big as Eren made it out to be, and although Levi kept it completely clean, the building was almost ramshackle. And he could somehow feel Eren’s presence, like a constant glow in the dark. Feel him close. 

Nevertheless, they soon fell into a kind of routine. A rhythm. Getting ready and walking to college together, drawing in the morning breeze and the cold sun. Meeting in front of Ymir’s café in the evening to get back to the flat, enjoying the growing darkness filling the sky. Eren enthusiastically telling him about his day, and Levi listening intently, trying to keep up with the flow of words and lively descriptions of people he’d never met, music he’d never listened to. 

Eren peering at him with interest, but never pressing him to answer or talk about his own day. Kindly smiling at him, letting him stay as quiet as he liked. Comfortable, shared silences.

Levi returning from his shifts in the middle of the night, making the least possible noise, trying not to wake Eren up, only to find a freshly cooked meal waiting for him on the kitchen counter.

Eren always cooking for him on his workdays. Nothing fancy, as Levi kept the grocery budget as low as possible, but still full, healthy meals. 

_“My father never cooked and my mother wasn’t here, so I just learned how to prepare whole meals myself”_ , Eren had said with a small smile. _“It’s far from enough to pay you back for the way you’re saving my life right now.”_ Levi didn’t know that Eren was mostly worried, the tug in his chest growing with the deepening of Levi’s dark circles.

A surge of gratitude hitting Levi, getting stuck in his throat as he gazed over the sleeping, occasionally wriggling form curled up on the couch. 

Eren even cleaning the whole place so that Levi would come home, exhausted and sore, to a spotless apartment. Well, mostly spotless, and when Levi pointed out his little mistakes, Eren always listened and cleaned harder.

Little by little, he learnt a lot about what Eren liked. 

He learnt that Eren liked many things. It was astounding, really, how someone who had suffered through mistreatment, grief, abandonment, could still have so much love to give and enthusiasm. How someone who had been forced to grow up so fast could still hold this light, this hopefulness. Eren didn’t talk about his father a lot. But Levi had his fair share of experience observing abused kids. He recognized the restlessness, the occasional startles, when middle-aged men shouted, sounding too much like Eren’s father, or when someone came from behind him with no warning. He saw right through the sad, tired smiles Eren would use to pretend he was okay. Levi quietly watched, making mental notes.

But overall, Eren was still beaming. And he liked many, many things.

He liked toasts with butter and coffee every morning.

He liked hanging out at the library because of the smell of wood and old books.

He liked the snow and the way it gathered in his hair if he stood outside long enough like a fucking idiot. He liked the sound of crunchy snow under his shoes. He liked snowball fights.

He liked piano, and he liked talking about music.

He liked animals. He would often abruptly come to a halt in the street to pet some stranger’s dog and compliment it to no end, and it was such a waste of time, but Levi didn’t have it in him to kick his ass. He mostly just grumbled under his breath, absolutely exasperated by all the cuteness.

Animals liked Eren back. Lulu, Ymir’s tiniest cat, in particular, came to be quite fond of him. Lulu would always snub the rest of the café to run off to Eren from the moment he opened the door. Then it would curl up in his lap and fall asleep against his belly, and Eren would just watch the fluffy little creature snooze as if everything was right in the world, and smile his stupidly bright smile. It was revolting, really.

Eren also liked people. And as much as Levi couldn’t really grasp that concept, Eren’s caring for total strangers as well as each and every one of his friends had an effect on him. Digging out cryptic books for Armin at the library, combing Historia’s hair while entertaining Ymir on a bad day, crafting Annie playlists on audio cassettes… He even helped Jean with homework, and although their studying sessions at the café always ended up in bickering, Eren would offer his help again a few days later, and Jean would always accept. 

Eren seemed to like Levi, too. Which was unusual, since Levi wasn’t exactly the most likeable person who ever lived. Nor the most pleasant, or fun, or articulate. But Eren took the time to cook for him, and he cleaned for him, and he looked at Levi with such interest, and he read Levi without him having to even speak, and he smiled at him as if Levi’s perpetual scowl was the best thing he’d ever seen, and he had taken his hand, and-

And Levi’s mind was drifting towards dangerous shores. No, he had to ignore whatever this was. Wouldn’t bring any good. Levi wasn’t meant for that kind of stuff. He was still a sad man hanging off a cliff, unworthy and unable to let go and immerse himself in those restless, green waters and their tiny specks of gold that looked so inviting. Reflection of a dying sun on a stormy sea. 

He had to ignore it. 

The situation just wasn’t as bad as he’d expected. He’d thought he would merely tolerate the younger man, like he did most people. So talkative, expressive, energetic and stupidly excited _all the time_ about _everything_. A little messy, which should have irked Levi way more. 

He hadn’t expected he would actually enjoy spending time with him, eating with him, walking with him. Hadn’t foreseen that he would get used to the guy’s constant presence this fast. Human interactions didn’t come to him naturally. In fact, he pretty much tended to find people unbearable. But closeness to Eren felt okay, and coming back to an empty apartment when Eren had late practice, or after he got a part-time job at some old record store, felt cold. 

It made him kind of uneasy. Reckless ideas and hopes invading his comfortable life, without him ever finding the courage, or maybe just the will, to fight them. So he chose to ignore them. 

But that soon proved more difficult than he had anticipated.

Eren revealed himself to be surprisingly hardworking and passionate about his studies. Winter break eventually stormed in and they spent it studying inside, hiding from the piercing December cold, curled up on opposite ends of the couch. 

But Eren would innocently squirm closer as Levi interrupted his own reading and thorough research to quiz him every now and then. 

And closer. 

And closer. 

Until Eren was so close that Levi could sense his radiating warmth. His soothing smell. Cinnamon, sunlight, faint sweat, and it didn’t bother Levi. It oddly didn’t bother him at all. 

Until Levi could feel Eren’s head delicately coming to rest on his shoulder as he dozed off in the evening. His gentle breathing and sleepy smile caressing Levi’s neck. His soft long hair tickling Levi’s skin. His hands coming to rest on Levi’s side.

Levi held his breath. Stayed very, very still, afraid he would, by any chance, shatter this moment and lose it forever.

Then inhaled Eren’s scent, filling himself, until he felt drunk with it, until all he could perceive was Eren, Eren, Eren.

And maybe he could wait, just a minute or two. Let him sleep, here on his shoulder, nestled against Levi’s side, exhausted. Maybe they could just stay like that, for a while.

Yes. Maybe things weren’t all that bad.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“We’re going out tonight.” 

It was said in an assertive tone that left no room for discussion. 

“And may I ask why ?” 

Bewildered green eyes stared right at him.

“It’s Christmas Eve, Levi. Are you really that much of a hermit that you don’t even perceive the passage of time anymore ? That you forget Jesus’ birthday ?”

Levi dodged as Eren proceeded to try to tickle him with an evil smirk. 

“Please stop invading my personal space.”

He groaned. He was _so damn comfortable_ under his blanket, and he would consider getting off the couch and moving his tired, and sore, _so sore_ limbs a personal offense right now. One he could never forget, but, most importantly, never forgive.

“Stop groaning at me, oh my god.”

“And stop fucking tickling me, you little shit.”

“Watch your language, Mr. Literature Student.” and he moved to tickle him more.

“Oh, fuck off. Besides, I could care less about fucking Jesus. And his birthday isn’t even until tomorrow.”

Eren stopped to look at him with great gravity.

“Don’t talk about Jesus that way, please. That poor man didn’t do anything to you.”

“Oh, but he _will_ have done something to me if he’s the excuse you use to get me up from this couch.”

“I can’t _believe_ you are being this way right now. Where is the mature, wise man I’ve come to know in the past weeks ?”

Levi closed his eyes and buried himself under the blankets.

“Not. Here.”

Eren whimpered in frustration, glaring at the soft ball of childishness firmly settled on the couch. He grabbed Levi’s foot, attempting to extract him from his blanket fortress. 

“Levi !”

“Hanji and Erwin are out of town, I’m not doing anything today. Don’t _you_ have friends to spend Christmas with, anyway ?” Levi inquired, trying to pry his poor foot off Eren’s grip. _His huge fucking hands_. 

“These people have actual families”, Eren sighed, giving up on his newfound foot fetish. “They all went back for the break.”

Levi peeked from the border of the blanket in time to catch a glimpse of sadness on Eren’s features. 

_Ugh. His dumb face and stupid green eyes_. He groaned. 

“What do you want to do.”

“Yes !!!” Eren yelled, nearly crushing his ear-drums.

“What the hell, Eren-”

“I thought we could go eat something somewhere ! And before you start grumbling again, I saved money for this occasion, from the record store.”

“I don’t want you to spend your money on me, you idiot.”

“Levi !”

“Stop. Yellin-”

“You’ve fed me and welcomed me for _three weeks_ now !”

“As I already told you, you don’t have to pay me back for basic human decency.”

“I can at least treat you from time to time.”

Eren put his fist on his hips in a desperate attempt at having authority. He didn’t seem ready to let this go. _Brat_.

Levi sighed. Whatever.

“Ok. Just leave me here basking in sweet, sweet warmth for five more minutes.”

Eren : 1. Levi : 0.

Eren emitted a high-pitched scream and did a small victory dance. “You’ll see, it’s going to be fun,” he winked.

Levi’s mouth curled up. Why the hell not, after all. It could actually, surprisingly be better than spending Christmas rotting away like a useless vegetable. And if it made Eren that happy, it could also be totally worth it, in the end.

The younger man got up to get ready, before turning back to him with a mischievous twinkle. 

“By the way, Levi. You don’t have to pretend like tomorrow isn’t your 26th birthday. I’m well-aware. Hanji told me. We don’t have to celebrate it, but you can’t possibly just stay under a blanket.” 

“But I specifically told th-”

“Yeah, well it’s too late now. Drop the mysterious act and get up !!!”

He groaned and ripped himself from his once blissful haven.

“It’s not an act though.” 

\-----------------------------------------

The avenues were crowded with latecomers rushing to buy Christmas presents and dozens of cars stuck in traffic jam, stuffed with desperate people trying to join their families on time. Levi relished the animation of the illuminated city and its colorful decorations. He enjoyed this, striding next to Eren, who turned to smile at him from time to time. He seemed in his element, making his way in this huge mob, feasting off the frantic energy of the crowd, savoring his new freedom. 

Eren turned, leading him to a quieter street, only lit up by a few street lamps. They entered what appeared to be a little Vietnamese restaurant, judging by the torn neon sign overhanging the little glass door. The place was completely empty, save from two little kids watching television and a young woman at the counter, who looked bored out of her mind. 

“Good evening. Table for two, please.” Eren asked with a confident smile.

The woman looked up, eyeing both of them with sudden interest. “Sure. You guys will probably want to sit in the back. It’s more private.” Levi could swear he caught the flash of a smirk on her face as she walked them through a plastic curtain. 

The room was even narrower and its lighting more intimate. They sat at a wooden table on worn-out, yet comfortable chairs.

“There you go. I’ll leave you guys to take a look at the menu for a while. Just- I don’t know, just scream if you need anything”, she added with a peace sign.

“Thank you !” 

And they were left alone. Levi gazed over the menu, uneasy. It seemed a bit weird to sit in an Asian restaurant on Christmas Eve, with a guy he’d only known for a few weeks. But then again, Eren felt inexplicably both safe and exciting. While being around him enticed unknown and mysterious sensations in Levi, he also made it simple to be around to him. Go figure.

“Have you ever had phở, Levi ?”

“Hm. I guess not. What is it ?”

Eren clapped with enthusiasm. “I can’t believe I’m here for your first time ! I’m honored to be the one to initiate you.”

“Why are you getting excited over a simple meal ?”

“Oh, but Levi. My poor heathen. Phở is anything but a simple meal. It’s a fireplace that warms your heart, it’s the heat of a thousand warriors screaming in the night. It is-” Eren took a dramatic breath, punching his chest. “The feeling that you belong somewhere.”

“My, oh my.” Levi mused with a smirk. “Such poetry. And I thought I was the literature student.”

“You’ll understand soon enough.” Eren grinned.

Levi’s breath hitched. Eren under the cozy lights, his skin the color of honey, beaming with his wide smile and his soft lips and his huge eyes and long hair shaping his sharp jaw, and when did that train of thought even begin, Levi’s mind was just running wild at this point, taking its independence, and Levi malfunctionned, and he had to do something, but what, so he just stared, and _oh yes, great idea Levi, fucking genius, just stare like a fucking sociopa-_

“What ?”, Eren laughed, and his big green eyes seemed to scan Levi’s face, reading it, staring right back innocently and ok, Levi was seriously panicking now, he cursed his brain, and what was he supposed to do ? What was his mind even doing ? 

“Have you chosen yet ?” the waitress interrupted, slipping an hesitating head between the old curtains, and Levi thanked the universe for her existence.

As Eren ordered for the both of them, he took a deep breath and tried to recall the exact moment he had become such a dumb fuck. His brain had worked perfectly until now, and he deemed himself a rather functional human being. What the shitting hell had that been ?? Was he having a stroke ? Apart from sudden stupidity and a heart that seemed ready to jump out of his chest, he showed no symptoms. He had to pull himself together, and fast. 

At least phở tasted fucking amazing. Levi had been surprised to learn that it was, in fact, a kind of soup. But, oh boy, what a soup. The spices exploded against his palate as the warm liquid filled his whole being with ecstasy and Levi ascended to a state of pure, unabashed bliss. 

Eren watched him as if he was noticing some kind of miracle. “That good, uh ??”

“You were right all along.”

“Victory, at last !”

“Don’t get cocky, brat. You were right about one thing, and it’s related to food.”

“I just knew you would like it ! Phở is beautiful, and poetic… it’s a very spiritual food. I- Are you _laughing_ ?”

Levi could barely hold back his chuckles, choking on his beer ungraciously.

Eren suddenly looked happier than he had ever been, and his shoulders started shaking as his laughter echoed in the small room. It sounded like music.

“I’m laughing at you, and your stupid philosophical theories about soup, you moron”, Levi uttered when he was able to breathe again, and they both started to weeze again.

“I’ll take it”, Eren smiled widely. 

“Seriously though, why are you such a drama queen ?”

“Well, I didn’t _feel_ like I was being dramatic, shithead, I was just trying to put my passion for phở into words, so don’t bully me.”

They ate contentedly in silence for a moment. But silence with Eren never lasted long.

“So. You’re a literature specialist.” 

“How perceptive of you.”

“But what kind of books do you like, really ?”

“Hm, why ? You don’t seem like much of a reader.”

“I’m not.”

“So, what’s it to you ?”

Eren smiled, unimpressed. “I’m interested. What’s your favorite book ?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ok, so one of your favorites.”

Levi thought about it for a minute, Eren’s gaze on him unwavering. 

“Recently, I would say _One Hundred Years of Solitude_. The author got the Nobel Prize a few years ago. It’s about a family living in a little Colombian village. I really like it.”

“Why do you like it ?”

“I don’t know. It’s weird, magical. And beautiful, and sad.”

“A little like you.”

“Hmph.” Levi, caught off-guard, could feel himself flush red hot. And that hardly ever happened. Nobody had ever talked to him that way. “I’m not sad”, he shook his head.

Eren frowned thoughtfully. “ _One Hundred Years of Solitude_ … Do you feel lonely ?”

Levi felt those heavy green eyes weighing on him, seeing right through him, right through the bullshit, and this ever-present little smile. Eren was just so blunt and honest, offering up his heart, saying whatever was on his mind, and it made Levi’s heart want to burst in a million pieces. Because Levi’s brain had broken a long time ago. Because he didn’t deserve this kind of care. Because he wasn’t used to being seen. Because something in Eren, something he couldn’t define, a sort of aura of pure kindness and innocence and joy, that _something_ made him want to reach out, made him want to hope. To smile back. And that scared the shit out of him.

He chuckled humorlessly and busied himself with the remains of his soup. “Is this the part where we unpack all our trauma ?”

Eren shrugged. “Not if you don’t want to.”

The younger man waited patiently as Levi stayed silent, trying to find a way to deflect. But Eren already knew, you couldn’t hide anything from him. He knew, and he still thought Levi was _beautiful_ and _magical_. Would he still feel the same way if he knew Levi was nothing else than a filthy street rat ? Fuck it. Levi wanted to tell him everything. He couldn’t bear that burden alone anymore. He couldn’t.

“I guess I’m pretty fucking lonely, yeah. Since Isabel and Farlan are gone.” Shit. There you go.

“Isabel and Farlan ?”

“Hm. My friends. Isabel vanished years and years ago.”

“Shit, Levi. I’m sorry.”

“One night, Farlan and I fell asleep and left her unguarded. We- were living in the streets. When we woke up, she was gone. Homeless kids disappear all the time. Especially girls. It’s dangerous, nobody gives a fuck, so it’s easy to take advantage of them. Who knows what happened to her. She’s probably been dead for a decade now.”

He spoke as casually and matter-of-factly as he could, as if a light tone could somehow diminish the atrocity of the events. Eren just listened, horrified. 

“Later that year, Farlan and I got caught stealing in a grocery store downtown. It belonged to Erwin’s mother. She wanted to turn us in, but Erwin convinced her to welcome us instead, in exchange for our free work at the shop. Erwin taught us how to read, and I managed to go to school and then get a scholarship.”

“Wh-What happened to Farlan ?”

“Killed himself a few years ago.” There it was. “I’m sorry, I’m ruining dinner.”

“Levi, you’re not ruining anything.” 

Eren took his hand and squeezed it firmly.

“None of that is your fault, Levi.” How did he manage to read him so well ? Levi wanted to hide behind his bottle of beer.

“I don’t know.”

“Levi, it’s not. It really isn’t. Ok ?”

Levi bit his lip, looking up from his empty bowl of phở. Eren watched him, worried and understanding, but his look didn’t hold the pity Levi feared. He wouldn’t have tolerated that. He’d received many pitiful looks from strangers when he used to beg for a few coins, many years ago. Little smiles. It had made him feel angry, as if he had to be sorry for existing, for making people feel bad by simply being. _Forgive my insignificant existence for weighing on your mind for a second or two._ People loved to hush their guilty conscience up with temporary, exaggerated pity, with a few pennies. Maybe he should be more nuanced. But when you’re starving outside, forced to steal food, hunted by angry shop-owners, dehumanized in the eyes of all, you don’t have time to care about nuance. So, hatred grows, and grows, and grows. Until it doesn’t. He didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore. He was so tired. 

It hadn’t stopped in college : he carried that ugly background like a dark cloud hovering over his head. Professors called him a treasure, an honor student, but Levi had a hunch that really, they were just surprised that a homeless guy who didn’t know how to read about ten years ago could outsmart them from time to time. _Stupid fucks._

But Eren- he wasn’t conceited enough to see Levi in such a light. All that his eyes showed was empathy, and he was holding his hand, softly brushing over his knuckles, and it was sappy, Levi knew it, and he hated physical contact, that was like his number one personality trait, but it was too gentle and sincere, and it actually made him feel better. Eren just did whatever he wanted to do, he was impulsive, and he was looking at Levi with concern and tenderness, and Levi’s guts twisted, as he realized : _I so desperately want to hold on to him and believe in something._ It shook him, it made him want to become better, it made him want to hope. He was fucked.

Levi blushed, and he would just blame it on the alcohol. It was all getting a little too intense. So he reluctantly took his hand back and changed the subject.

“What about you ? What’s your tragic backstory ?”

“Oh, no. Did Jean tell you about the raccoons ? I’m going to kill him, I swear to g-”

“What happened with the raccoons ?”

Eren shuddered. “I’d rather not recall this devastating chapter of my life, thanks.”

Levi giggled. “Ok, so what about the rest ?”

“It’s really not that tragic.”

“Come on Jaeger, bring it on.”

“My father just sucks.” Eren shrugged. “A lot. Pathetic alcoholic, control freak. Didn’t see me as a son but as some kind of personal project, hm, I don’t know, maybe another version of himself ? He had to know what I was doing at all times, he knew exactly what to say in order to hurt me and play with me. I don’t know.” He slightly clenched his fists and his lower lip trembled a bit. “I thought it was normal, at first. Got worse after mom died.”

“Want me to destroy him ? Don’t laugh, I’m 100% serious. I can end him, and I will.”

“I don’t want you to go to prison.” 

“Don’t underestimate me, brat.”

“Never.”

“Just tell me if you change your mind. I’m not scared of a little violence.”

“Levi…” Eren shook his head and stared.

“What ?”

“Nothing.”

“Hm.”

“Let’s get out of here. I wanted to show you something.”

\-----------------------------------

“What do you think ?”

Levi glanced at the giant bookshelves filled with luxurious-looking hardcovers and rare first-editions. The tiny boutique where Eren had brought him was lit by one single oil lamp. An aged man -or at least what seemed to be an aged man buried under a rug of thick white beard- was dozing off on the counter. They were whispering.

Levi inhaled the strong smell of old paper, ink and leather. Was he experiencing inner peace ?

“Pretty cool.”

“I was afraid you already knew this place. Armin won’t shut up about it. It’s really cheap and you can find really cool stuff. Or so I heard.”

“I love it, Eren.”

“So. Choose one book in the whole store and I’ll buy it for you.” 

“Nope. Not happening.”

“Levi, come on, it’s your birthday tomorrow.”

“There’s nothing to celebrate.”

“Are you _kidding_ me-”

“I don’t fucking care, Eren. I don’t want a present. And you don’t have money.”

Eren looked offended. “I have a little money saved up. And I’m already enough of a parasite. I told you I could treat you a little and you agreed.”

“You should think about your needs first.”

“I do. What I need right now is to buy you a birthday present.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Levi !”

“Eren. Stop puppy-staring at me, it’s not going to work.”

“Are ya _sure_ about that.”

“I’m not backing down.”

“Neither am I.” Eren crossed his arms and looked down at Levi. _Damn._

“You’re annoying.”

“Yes I am”, Eren grinned. Levi poked his -surprisingly muscled- bicep. “I’m not afraid of you, Ackerman. I _will_ annoy you until you surrender.”

“Why do you insist on buying me a gift so much ?”

“I just want to.”

“Ok. Then I’ll make you pay for the most expensive book here.”

Eren : 2. Levi : 0.

“Fine by me.”

“You will be broke. I’m a man of culture. I have expensive taste.”

\-------------------------------

They walked out with a beautiful illustrated edition of _One Hundred Years of Solitude_ Eren had spotted in one of the ill-lit corners of the room. 

_“Look, Levi ! Isn’t this the book you were just telling me about ?”_

The book wasn’t that expensive, and Eren had paid for it with a big smile that had stretched Levi open and made him yearn for more. They wandered in the cold, blinded by the bright neon lights of the city, frisky wind tousling their hair, electrifying music coming from bars’ radios, fast cars shaking the ground, and Levi told himself he probably had never been this happy. 

“It’s past midnight. Happy birthday, Levi.” Eren leaned nearer.

“This is one of my best Christmases” Levi confessed secretly, scared he would destroy the moment by acknowledging it. 

“Me too”, Eren murmured back earnestly in his ear. He could feel his hot breath on his skin and suppressed a shiver.  
And he wished tonight would never end, knew it was bound to pass, this rush, this freedom, this carelessness, and his heart twisted, and he reached for Eren, walking next to him, slided just a little closer, and whispered a quiet “thank you”.

He ached for a jump off the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi overthinks everything and is extremely gay. Nothing new under the sun.
> 
> Any feedback is loved and appreciated !


	4. ivy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you're all doing fine ! 
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful friend Juliette who beta-read this chapter <33
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, college has been kicking my ass senseless. Hope this new chapter makes up for it !

“And what the hell am I supposed to do with this ?”

“Just put it in the pot.”

Stormy flakes had turned more quiet and constant, the once piercing cold now numbing, lulling the whole city to sleep after New Year’s Celebrations. The usually swarming streets had been left empty as they welcomed thick sheets of snow and people spent the end of the holidays nestled inside with their families.

“All of it ? In the pot ? That sounds ludicrous.”

Appetizing aroma titillated Levi’s nose. The small kitchen counter looked war-torn, splashes of red spread in the sink, the smell of fresh flesh still hanging in the air. So much cleaning to look forward to… Maybe Levi wasn’t good with cooking. Or perhaps was he just a little distracted.

Eren glared at him, scandalized. His hair loosely tied in a bun, his sleeves rolled up, he looked ready to fight. Levi couldn’t repress a sigh. He’d come to terms with, well, whatever it was Eren provoked in him, but he still couldn’t believe how something as simple as an exasperated pout could make his heart jump right out of his chest. And these strong, tan, _veiny_ forearms… 

_You feeble, pathetic homosexual_ , he scolded himself. He struggled to collect himself lately.

“You need tomato sauce to make the bolognese, Levi ! Otherwise it’s not going to work.”

“I _know_ you need tomato sauce to make the bolognese. Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not patronizing you, I’m teaching you the art of pasta-making. You have to be willing to learn-”

“I’m 26. I know how to make pasta.” 

“Yeah, if you call those watery worms of yours _pasta_. Just don’t complain if you end up murdered by some angered sicilian mafioso.”

“Please don’t shame my pasta-cooking abilities.”

“Try me.”

Eren nudged him, snatching away the half-empty glass bottle with a small smirk. 

“I swear, it’s not that hard. You just put it in the pot with the meat and the vegetables.”

Levi glared at the younger man, exasperated. He could be studying some boring book about XVIIth century French poetry right now. 

“I’m trying my best here. May I remind you that you’re the one who forced me to cook with you ?”

“You do want something delicious to gobble down after work tonight, don’t you ? And you have to take breaks from work, Levi, otherwise you’re going to go ballistic, burn the whole college library, then you’ll have to flee the country and starve to death because I won’t be here to cook for you. I wonder how you managed to survive 26 whole years while eating _those_ pastas. I’m a pretty tolerant guy, I mean, Armin shares a room with _Jean_ , so I’ve seen my share of culinary disasters, and I don’t use that world lightly, but damn, _those_ p-”

“It’s been a week, sweet Jesus fuck, when will you ever let this go ?”

Eren stared in the distance, shivering.

“When the images will stop haunting me.”

“Fine, shithead, then let me do it.”

Levi tried to grab the tomato sauce Eren held above his head. Shit, the fucker was so tall.

“You made the kitchen look like a crime scene when I blinked. I don’t trust you with the rest of my precious tomato sauce, Levi.”

“So you don’t believe in me ?” Levi asked, deadpan. “Are you trying to hurt my feelings ?”

“A little. Ok, you know what ? Let me guide you towards the pot. Better safe than sorry.”

In a heartbeat, Eren placed the bottle in Levi’s hands and enclosed his own fingers securely around Levi’s. 

“Let’s go.” 

Levi could barely even think. Jolts of electricity went down his spine as Eren’s _big_ hands warmed him and strong fingers firmly covered his own, delicately inclining the bottle, emptying it in the pot. Levi, awestruck, could hardly concentrate. Did Eren have any idea what he was putting him through ? He seemed more focused on the ongoing operation.

Words escaped his mouth as the tomato sauce had slipped from his hands minutes ago. 

“You have huge hands.” 

Eren’s fingers tensed around his own as he poured out the rest of the bottle. He snorted, startled, with a small smile in which Levi could swear he caught a hint of shyness.

“You need big hands when you’re a pianist”, he shrugged, letting go of Levi. 

“Oh. Yeah.” He was left oddly frustrated. 

“Rachmaninov had enormous hands”, Eren added with a nod, stirring the pot. “Flexible, too. Extraordinary. You need big hands to perform his pieces.” 

“That’s the russian guy you’re playing at the recital ?”

“That’s him !”

“Let me guess”, Levi leaned on the kitchen counter. “It’s depressing.”

Eren laughed at that. “Well, he was russian, so…”

“Bingo.”

“But he was much more than that.”

“Is that so ? Enlighten me, Jaeger.”

Eren beamed, eyes lighting up with sudden hope. “Really ?” 

Strands of hair breaking free from his slackened bun came to frame his cheekbones. How Levi wanted to trace the gorgeous features with his fingers, to follow their every twists and curves, like a famished pilgrim. Perhaps then could he understand the beauty, absorb it. Perhaps that would ease the thirst.

“Don’t act like I don’t listen to you gabble all day anyway.”

Eren grinned, excited. Fuck, if such simple things made him this happy, Levi would gladly listen to him talk about any depressed russian fucker all day long.

“Well, the piece we’re playing, his concerto for piano n°2… Rachmaninov wrote it right after one of his several depressive episodes. He struggled with depression all his life, but he wrote that one piece after years of treatment, when he started to get better. It’s a symbol of hope, really… Every source of pain can also be a source of beauty, and there’s still hope… to get better, to still be able to love life.” Eren shook his head, twinkling. “It’s silly, but it’s possible. To be happy. Rachmaninov may have been depressed, but he sure wasn’t depressing.”

“And that’s why you like him ?”

“I love him. You should check him out sometime.”

“Maybe I will. I don’t know much about classical music.”

“Well, you have a whole world ahead of you !”

Eren abruptly let go off the old wooden spatula he’d found in a drawer Levi didn’t even know existed, running off.

“I have an idea ! Continue stirring Levi, I’ll show you something.”

He went through to his bag and picked out a small cassette. Levi, puzzled, stirred the mix of fresh tomato sauce, onions, carrots and minced meat he had very marginally helped to make. God, it did smell good. Eren was a wonderful cook. 

Loud, majestic music startled him. He turned to find Eren standing next to Hanji’s small, worn out record player they had lent him a few weeks ago.

“What the-”

“Tchaikovsky !” Eren exclaimed with a huge smile, prancing through the living room. “What can I say, I have a thing for Russians !”

“Eren-”

“The pasta needs good music to cook better”, the man assured, and he started putting water to boil while dancing, tiptoeing around the kitchen like a fucking ballerina.

“That’s probably the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

But Levi couldn’t help a smile in front of Eren’s stupid antics. 

“Do I know this music ?”

“I sure hope you do ! It’s from _The Sleeping Beauty_.” He wiped his hands, then leaned closer, extending his hand with a hopeful smile. “Do you know how to waltz ?”

“Hm. Did I hear that correctly ?”

“Come on Levi, waltz with me !”

“Nope.”

“Yes !”

“No way.”

“I’ll teach you.” Hand still hanging in the air, inquiring eyes. Would Levi take the bet ? Some irrational, mysterious force must have possessed him. _Maybe some weird kind of fume from the bolognese_. A question, rumbling through his mind tirelessly for the past weeks. _What if ?_

He grabbed the strong hand and held on tight. The bright smile he received in return was worth it.

Eren pulled Levi to himself gently and grasped his waist, leaving a respectable distance between their two bodies. It turned out Levi was rendered unable to move, petrified, as the demanding melody drowned his senses. Eren’s warm hand held on to his firmly. He crossed their fingers and deepened his grip on Levi’s waist. Then, he started whirling. 

“I’m not a good dancer”, Levi uttered, increasingly uncomfortable. In fact, he probably had never danced with anyone. Let alone _waltzed_. Not Farlan, not Erwin, not even Hanji had been able to subject him to this. What had his life come to ?

“Me neither”, Eren chuckled, and he picked up the pace to match the rhythm of the sumptuous music.

“Then why are you doing this ?” Levi felt compelled to ask. He received no answer, Eren being too busy looking like something miraculous had taken place before his eyes. Luckily, his warm smile and gentle lead put Levi more at ease. Soon, they were moving in hesitant symbiosis in the small space between the couch and the kitchen counter, as Eren pulled them around the room with dramatic gestures and Levi held onto him for dear life. 

Then Eren swiftly started spinning him, one, two, three times. 

God, this was spectacularly dumb.

Levi couldn’t repress the sudden laughter bubbling in his chest. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so shamelessly silly. And young. And safe. He let his laughter spill over uncontrollably, clear waters gushing, filling the whole room.

Strong arms briskly drew him forwards and he collided with a wide chest. 

When he lifted his head, Eren’s eyes had changed. His smile had been replaced by a confused frown as he stood there, agape, holding Levi tightly. 

Levi was left breathless, drowning in green waters. They were standing so close he could feel the heat radiating from Eren’s body, towering over him. Couldn’t help but notice the flush of his cheeks, the broadness of his shoulders, the way he felt so warm and solid against him. At a loss of words, he simply stared back, puzzled.

Music stopped. The sound of their frantic breathing and boiling water echoed across the whole city, otherwise silenced by a thick blanket of velvet snow. 

Eren looked at Levi with a tenderness that made his chest ache. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. He just tightened his fingers against Eren’s as his frenzied heart, pressed against the man’s chest, conveyed what he couldn’t put into words, chanting _I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours_ , devoting itself whole to a hopeless cause, to a God it had never heard of. 

When had this desire even started ? Maybe had it been there all along, buried under his skin like an inconspicuous treasure. Maybe had it been there all his life, silently longing for green eyes, honey skin, soft smiles. 

Eren’s eyes flickered to his lips for a split moment. He brought Levi closer, slightly leaning towards him, until his burning forehead came to rest against Levi’s, his nose barely bumping his own and-

“Fuck, the water !”

And just like that, he was off running, panicked, as white foam threatened to spill on the kitchen ground, leaving Levi absolutely dumbfounded.

Then he carried on with cooking and chattering as if nothing had ever happened.

Levi swallowed down his confused feelings and composed himself, his mind still a deep fog, his eyes averting Eren’s lips, his hands, his haggard eyes. He wondered if he had he dreamt it all, the print of Eren’s fingers on his waist and the itch of fleeting laughter in his chest, the only remains of what they had shared.

\----------------------------------

Something is burning.

Menacing red and orange towering over him, everywhere, all he can sense is red, orange, fire, flames, caressing him, pungent fumes filling him in, he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, h-

His skin feels too tight. It’s tingling. 

His whole being is going up in smoke agonizingly slowly.

Eren is burning. A wildfire ravages his whole body. Devastates him from the inside. Thrills him with unknown danger. 

White fog blurs his mind, his thoughts come in fragments. Burn. Skin. Soft. Ecstasy.

A delectable flame, dancing around, making him nervous, making him ache and beg for more. 

Eren is burning but it’s not enough. He wants the blaze to swallow him whole, to leave indelible marks on his body, to make him disappear into those blinding lights. Can feel his skin turning crimson as fever takes over. He wants the fire. He wants it. He wants.

“Eren.”

A puff of hot breath against his ear. He looks down and his hands are roaming on pearly skin. His fingers featherlight against swollen lips, as he loses himself in deep ash gray. He can’t breathe. Closer, closer, yes please closer-

“Eren…” 

Levi’s whisper is hushed, but Eren can feel the words forming against the crook of his neck as he melts into strong arms. Like a spark, they ignite his whole core as he holds Levi closer, please, closer, nuzzling his undercut voraciously, tracing the curves of his body, relishing in Levi’s furrowed brow, his dilated pupils, his low moans against his mouth as Eren bites his lower lip with ravenous hunger, kissing the corner of his mouth, wishing to be everywhere at once, and he violently desires the pain and the pleasure, wants the flames to burn him until there’s nothing left of his body, desperately needs to sink inside of him, wants to get closer, wants more, more, more-

“Eren.”

His eyes snapped wide open and he looked up to a familiar preoccupied frown. Levi handing him a glass of water and reaching for his forehead. Eren flinched under the man’s soft, cold hand, lingering on his skin for just a moment.

“Everything alright ? You were making weird noises. Did you have a nightmare ?”

“Hm. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Do you need me to stay with you ?”

God, _why_ did he have to look so concerned and attentive ? 

“Uh ? No, no, don’t worry Levi. I’m just not feeling well. Must have caught a cold, or something. No big deal.”

The deal was actually pretty big, judging by the tent in his pants, that he could barely hide with his blanket. Fuck his life.

“Ok.” Levi got up from the couch to grab his coat, making his way outside. Eren, still in a haze, could breathe a little better. 

“I’ll stop by the pharmacy on my way to work. Try to stay alive until I come back. Alright ?”

“Alright. Stay safe, Levi.”

“See you later, brat”, Levi nodded with the hint of a smile.

And just like that, _thank god_ , he was finally gone. Eren took a deep breath and gulped down his cool water. What the fuck had just happened ? Where had all those impure, scandalous images even come from ? He’d simply drifted off, going for one of his famous naps. Who would have known he would end up caught in some erotic dream with the man sitting forty centimeters away from him ? How could he have predicted that his own brain would betray him in such a perfidious way ?

He’d tried to fight it. The way his gut twisted whenever Levi got a little too close, the jolt in his stomach whenever he murmured his name. He’d tried to find explanations. He was probably just grateful for the way Levi was helping him. He just admired Levi’s kindness and intelligence. He just wanted to care for someone who seemed like they might need it. And maybe these reasons weren’t total bullshit. But hey, look at his dick right now ! There had to be something more. Something he couldn’t quite word yet.

He had to take a shower, brush off the sweat, the grime. He felt disgusting.

As cold water washed away every last one of his sinful thoughts, Eren was left with a weight in his stomach. He scrubbed every inch of his skin in an attempt to feel clean again, to feel pure, but he could still sense the creeping self hatred, growing into his mind like ivy. God, he was so useless. 

Maybe his father still had a much bigger influence than he’d thought, after all. Although he was 21, although he’d struggled to keep Grisha out of his mind, keep him at bay, although he’d tried to break free of the mental cage his father had put him in, he could still hear him uttering the poisonous words. Still picture his disgusted frown. Weighing on his mind, swirling like a hellish parade, the loathing deafened him, rendering him completely powerless.

_“Faggot.”_

Eren was angry. Fuck, he was so angry, he felt like he could explode at any second. He tried to bury it down, to put his energy towards something else, prettier things, and most of the time he would do okay. Music helped tremendously, materializing what he could not express with words, and he would play until he was exhausted, lashing out on the piano, slamming the keys until he couldn’t feel his fingers, feeling the rage melt and escape him. 

But occasionally it was all just too much. 

The truth was, he didn’t even direct much of that anger towards his father. 

It didn’t make sense. It was stupid and irrational.

But he was still attached to the man. Couldn’t bring himself to hate him, because, to some extent, he understood. His sadness. His reasons. 

Because perhaps Eren had simply deserved it. 

The thought wouldn’t leave his mind. _Monster_. 

He knew he wasn’t like his father, but that primal fear, blooming deep into his guts like a shameful flower, sharp thorns clutching his throat, that would never leave. _Maybe horror runs in the Jaeger family_ , he chuckled. Monstrosity engraved right into his genes, a cage that he could never escape, no matter how hard he tried. 

He got out of the shower and dried himself, trying not to look at the repulsive naked body in the mirror. Inhaled the scent of the clean towel to calm himself. 

Laundry, books, tea.

Levi made everything better. When Eren had first crossed that sad, grey stare, when he had taken his hand, he had known. He’d seen right through the cold, hard cocoon Levi had built for himself. He’d looked past the snarky comments and apparent annoyance, to witness the quiet sorrow, the creases of worry, the silent kindness, the gentleness. Levi didn’t push, he watched, and he understood. Levi listened, remembered, cared. He grounded Eren, his calm voice easing his nerves like a comforting cup of tea. How could a stranger seem so familiar ? Why did Eren feel the urge to get closer, to sink in as if he’d been unknowingly starving for years ?

It was bad. It really was. 

He’d learnt the little nuances in Levi’s seemingly blank expression. Could sense the tension in his shoulders, the anguish in the clenching of his sharp jaw, the sadness in the way his eyes lingered from time to time. Could feel Levi’s presence without even having to turn to him. He liked the expressions he could not quite decipher yet, the outbursts of laughter, gushing like geysers. Rare and magical like shooting stars, pride inflating right in Eren’s chest when he was the cause of Levi’s happiness. The man didn’t smile much, but when he smiled… Eren witnessed the rising of a hundred suns, everything falling into place. He felt the spontaneous instinct to reach out, to see more of it, to get drunk with that sweet liquor he could never get enough of, to touch and become one with the light. 

But he didn’t want to defile Levi, dirty him with his filth, contaminate him with the sickness he was carrying. Fuck, and it was all too soon. He’d already soiled him enough in this cursed dream. 

The shame crippled him. 

He had never wanted something so much. His desire was monstrous, gigantic, it made him want to scream, lust and devotion his body could barely contain, devouring him. He couldn’t bear it. 

Maybe his father had been right. He looked at his hands, tried to calm his breathing. The urge to hurt was overbearing. _Idiot, slow down._

_Slow down._

...What if Levi desired this, too ? Eren blushed furiously at the thought. He couldn’t imagine anyone sincerely wanting a behemoth like him, and he didn’t want to take advantage of the man. He was already such a parasit-

_“Thank you.”_

He recalled Levi’s honest smile that night. Thought back to Levi’s firm grasp on his shoulder, the trembling of his lips, his lost look, and Eren couldn’t repress the surge of hope overtaking him. 

He threw himself on the couch with a grunt.

Hanji had informed him that Levi hated physical contact. But when Eren gingerly stroked his shoulder, or impulsively took his hand, he could feel him give into the touch. Did that even mean anything ?

What could have happened, had he not broken away from Levi’s hold ?

If he, by any chance, could make Levi happy… That was all he cared about. If there was any chance Levi wanted this too, if he could wash away the sorrow, strike a match in the dark, then-

Then he would do it.

But that would never happen, right ? Levi was too… beautiful, in every way. There was something in his eyes that made his heart throb. Eren put a hand on his chest. There it was, the mad thumping, the sound of titans roaming the earth in search for lost wonders and peaceful landscapes. 

Soft lips, tentative tongue, desperate hands, quiet worship.

_“Eren…”_

Fuck it. He had to do something. 

He had to talk to Armin. Armin would know what to do. He always did. It would be okay. 

Eren was still, after all, an incorrigible optimist. Just as he carried the weight of his father’s faults, he possessed the buoyancy of his mother. He’d been broken before. Each time, he’d thought his heart would shatter into dozens of shards. He’d felt the familiar bitter knot in his stomach and the rain of tears leaving him tired to the bone. Felt like he was about to give up.

Like hell he was. 

It took a lot more than a 5’11 alcoholic homophobe to break Eren. 

He might do something stupid, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments mean the world to me, so don't hesitate to leave one ! Any feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Love you all <3


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